Way back, when the universe was half its present size and KP Skips were the stuff of a madman's dream, there was a legend. A story that kids would mutter to each other. The WORST THING EVER. The most terrifying thing on TV. Something so scary that it seemed to distort the very rules of our existence; we were old enough to know it wasn't real, but frightened enough to believe that it could, in some way, escape from the screen and follow us to our bedroom, there to wait until the small hours and then...oh Lord, then...
Jesus, I just unnerved myself slightly. And that's never pretty.
Yes, it was horrible. But we didn't know what it was. We didn't really know where it came from or what it wanted, though it was bound to be something hideous. No-one could remember the plot. Why the hell was that woman climbing a tower at night anyway? Who cares?
We remembered it.
It haunted our dreams.
It was horror incarnate.
D'ya wanna see?
Sure?
Well, if you insist. But I must warn you...
Look out! Here it comes! Here it comes!
Yes, beasts, it's the NUN WITH NO FACE!
Once you've made a cup of tea and locked all the doors, allow me to continue. So, all anyone can remember is Our Hero (actually heroine, but I mislike the word) creeps up some dark old spooky stairs. Turns the corner. And there, in the chair, right there, is the NUN WITH NO FACE, who turns to STARE AT US WITH NO FACE. And, united as one, Britain shat itself.
What made this the stuff of nightmares? For one, it was on ITV. You didn't expect the Commercial Channel to pull stunts like that. Unexpectedly horrific ITV moments worked (for me) because it seemed at that time like a very real and Coronation Street-y kind of mediasphere. So to suddenly see the NUN WITH NO FACE on a slightly overcoloured Ferguson set on a Friday night (I think) before nine o'clock was a bit of a shocker, to be honest. We were used to nine being the safety point, when all the nasty things came out (Sapphire and Steel aside, we'll come to them next time). This snuck in before the watershed. Cruel planners, though one suspects they hadn't actually watched the thing beforehand to check what went on.
But there's a sad end to all this. Time went by. We grew up and found out two devastating facts. Firstly, it wasn't some ghastly supernatural horror; this came from a detective/murder/mystery anthology series Armchair Thriller. The serial was called Quiet as a Nun; with that information, it wasn't long before I had a copy of the original novel. Now the truth would be revealed! What was going on? Why was that woman climbing the stairs? What was the bewimpled horror?
And then you learn the truth.
It's someone in a nun outfit with a fucking mask on.
That's right, generation 1970s. We fouled ourselves over an overlong live action episode of Scooby Doo. But think not of this. Remember her as she was. Sitting in the chair at the end of your bed, when you woke up in the night. Sitting there. Watching you.
WITH NO FACE.
Click here, though I confess, it did just creep me out all over again.
Post script: Lest you forget, Armchair Thriller had one more nasty little treat in store; its title board (the picture you see when it's announced on TV) is the most unpleasant one I've ever seen. And they used it to advertise the show right before afternoon kids' stuff started.
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| Before we join Dangermouse for another mission there's just time to tell you about the endless night of the soul. |
Pleasant screams.
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