Susan Stranks. It sounds funny.
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| Stranks. Thanks. |
Desperate for Pertwee of their very own, they cast around the place. Thames Television, down in their bunker at Teddington Lock (world's meanest carpark attendant, apparently) think they have a plan. Get us a Pertwee, but younger, they command. And lo! They found Michael Mackenzie, to play the hero, Tarot. Fetch us a dolly bird and a bit of rough, they said, for their second wish. With a flash and a puff of smoke, there was Judy Loe and Tony Selby, twenty odd years before Sabalom Glitz.
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| From left to right: Status Quo, Laura Ashley, Tony Hart |
"And for your third wish?" asked the genie that I've just made up.
"We wish for all the wishes we want, whenever we want them!" chorused Thames Television.
"Highly unwise," said the genie, "as this will result in the career of Jim Davidson during the 1980s. Well, there's no other fucking explanation. Try again."
"We want the London Weekend Television Ident to repeat endlessly!" shouted Thames Television.
"It's on TV Ark in the future and they won't let me link to it directly," replied the genie, looking at his watch. "Can't you do a bit better than this? I'm due on Jackanory Playhouse in half an hour."
"OK!" said Thames Televison, "Can we have a children's version of The Avengers?"
"If you must," said the genie, "but mark my words, you'll wind up making it on tape and it will look awful."
"Doesn't matter!" laughed Thames Television, lighting a cigar, "because we're going to erase the bloody lot about ten minutes after it's all broadcast!"
"Well that's fairly annoying of you," said the genie, because he was an even tempered soul who figured that erasing old TV probably wasn't a war crime or anything, whatever Ian Levene thinks. "Mind you, I'd keep the third series."
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| You're expecting a smart mouth remark, but if that yellow suit was in a different colour, I'd totally dress like that. |
Thames Television was intrigued. It leaned forward over the edge of the wall (from behind which Roy Skelton was operating it and doing the voice).
"Why the third series?" it asked, nervously.
"Easy," said the genie, whose verbs were being supplied by Hemingway, "the third series is the one with a different bird and the bit of rough who looks like Robin Askwith. It will lead to endless confusion. People will mix it up with the Confessions films. Also, Petra Markham will baffle people. The viewers will spend years trying to work out if she's fit or not."*
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| It looks like a bloody Carry On poster. Tarot is the only one taking it seriously. |
Thames Television was very impressed.
"O wise genie," it said, what may we do for you, in return for your many magical gifts and advice?"
"Easy," said the genie. "Spend the money on Jenny Hanley instead of Susan Stranks and there won't be no trouble."
And with that, he was gone to meet with Brian Cant and Derek Griffiths, because any right thinking person would, given the chance. But the foolish Thames Television left it until 1974 to hire Hanley and the genie asked PJ Hammond to completely destroy Ace Of Wands (for such was the name of the new show) by ending it with a massive explosion that appeared to kill all the characters off.
All future TV producers were supposed to learn from this and never end a series on a cliffhanger without a new contract already signed. But they didn't. Just ask The Tripods.
And Ace Of Wands, well, what was left of it after the Thames tape wiping department had finished, rode off into the sunset, with massive flouncy sleeves and a footballer's haircut. As a legacy, it left behind the unique spectacle of Brian Wilde playing an absolutely terrifying villain and one of the world's best theme tunes. Go on, you deserve it. A treat before bedtime.
*The answer, beasts, is yes, she is. Shallow fools.
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