We need to celebrate Halloween and celebrate it properly. There's a whole horror rennaisance ongoing over the last ten years or so; the problem is that most of it is spectacularly duuuullllllll. Killer children. Killer hoodies. Killer Youth Hosteling. Saw is just Doctor Phibes with less art deco. Sadly, I have to spout a grumpy old bugger cliche; it's about the disgust rather than the fear. Now I'm not Halliwell and I love a bit of wild disgust; Deathline and The Devil's Rejects are over thirty years apart, but they both combine gross-out sadism with genuine creepiness, a hint of the demented dark behind the curtain. Doesn't hurt that Rejects is set in the 1970s either, I suppose...
My rambling and long-lost point is that we need to grab a Halloween that's a real spookshow for once. It's hidden, but it runs through television history like a seam of killer gold. Killer Gold! My god, I'm copywriting that here and now, please take note. Anyway, I don't mean the deliberate, established fantasy/horror classics. There are plenty of Twilight Zone explorations out there, lots on the Outer Limits and sadly, not that much on Night Gallery, even though it was the best of all of them, but we are not concerning ourselves with these tonight.
My grand guignol of choice then? My childhood favourites, that's what. Back in the day, you'd get to this time of year and a subtle change would take place; kids shows and sitcoms would suddenly do an unexpected ghost-story episode. And oddly, they all seemed to follow a set script pattern:
But if that's you, then who...
We all have to deal with people we don't like. Maybe it's your boss or one of your work colleagues, a relative that comes to stay too much, a nosey neighbour, or perhaps just an annoying secondary personality commanding you to kill through your radio. But we deal with them, ignoring and smiling fixedly. Unless, of course, you're a sit-com character living between 1970 and 1984. If that's so, under British law, you have the unalienable right to persecute your opponent ( generally a new arrival in the area) using a terrible costume and an obscure local superstition. Um, no, this is sounding wrong (it sounded wronger before my last edit, trust me).
So, what you do is this. You spread rumours about a headless horseman or whatever. Then you get one of your comedy mates to put the costume on and run round at night shouting "woooooooooooooooo" whilst you and the rest of your friends watch from behind a hedge until your victim screams and runs away, usually on speeded up video tape.
CAVEAT: whilst this will enable you to dispose of problem neighbours legally you are required to turn to the ghost and say something to the effect of "well done Frank!" or whoever. At this point, Frank runs up behind and apologises for being late. Everyone turns back to the ghost who goes WOOOOOOOOOOOO again, albeit in the manner of being played by a different actor. At which point, all other cast members must run away on speeded up video. However, your original enemy will never be seen again, which seems a bit sinister, now I come to think of it.
Notable Example: Metal Mickey: Mickey Meets Mumsie. It's a Headless Horseman in that one, as well. I remember my sister really laughing at one of the jokes in this one: "He died when he attacked the coach" - "Why? Did he get his head caught in the sliding doors?"
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| Check the eyes out. Now you know exactly who was looking in the window in The Amytiville Horror. Presumably George Lutz was an unpopular substitute teacher. |
We'll Just Have To Stay The Night
Tends to be the staple of heavily studio bound sit-coms, usually the ones that never move an inch from the front room set. Once every three or four years they get an outing. Often, this gets used for the deadly dull Spanish holiday edition, but once in a while we get lucky and they do the scary haunted house one instead.
So, our cast are on their way somewhere and the car/bus/train breaks down. So they have to spend the stormy night in an abandoned mansion, or derelict railway station or whatever. This leads to amusing sub-Morecambe and Wise two-blokes-in-a-bed situations. Basically, the whole plot of The Old Dark House condensed into 28 minutes. Sometimes the ghost is real, sometimes it's a misunderstanding with. Hilarious. Consequences.
Notable Example: It's a considerable understatement to say that I'm not a big fan of Only Fools And Horses. But the time they recreated the Bob Hope masterpiece The Cat And The Canary is one of the very few episodes that stands a re-watch. Features a serial killer, rather than yer actual ghost, though.
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| Oddly, I prefer this cast to the one featuring Nicholas Lindhurst. |
Dark In Here, Innit?
This one is easy to summarise. You can do it yourself. Here are the pieces you'll need:
"Oh, no love, there's nothing to worry about in this old house. I've been here for years, never had a problem."
"I'm fine! There was this lovely old man/woman who helped me out."
"But...no-one's lived there since old Mr MacCliche died in 1940!"
OH NO! HE WAS A GHOST ALL ALONG!
Later ruined by The Sixth Sense, which didn't even have any swannee whistle on the soundtrack. I'm waiting for a sequel in the style of Rentaghost.
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| Obligatory Rentaghost picture of the week: I see loads of dead people and employ them with hilarious etc etc etc |
Notable Example: Foxy Lady, a completely forgotten YTV sitcom from the 80s. The entire episode can be summed up the above lines of dialogue.
Final miscellany? Well, I like that episode of Two Pints where they all get killed, for what should be fairly obvious reasons. Then there's the (rarer) Halloween episodes of regular series like Quantum Leap; in that case, it seemed that the devil himself had taken control of the story. I only really enjoyed that show when it went weirder, so essentially that's this one and the final episode only.
And last, and most enjoyably at all, Vincent Price on The Muppet Show. Gad, YES!
Happy Halloween, Long Leggetty Beasties.
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